Fantasy Fireworks

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Woodie cousin and the African Queen

My cousin and Internet Woodie

By Tony Crowley

My cousin was a dropout Woodie overweight in its first 40 years living in a trailer park in the U.S.. He never married and was often unemployed. It was a smart man, but a little crazy. In general, kept it for so few people in the park has seen it all. Certainly, heard however, for at dawn burst into song he liked, only to make up any word not known:

Jo Jo was a man before she was a woman, but it was another man.
Michelle ma belle, some say monkeys play the piano well, ma belle Michelle.

Beatles fans must have found it particularly annoying. I know I would.

Woodie liked to boast of his collection exotic foreign magazines that he hid in a shoe box in his lair, when her mother called round. He also held a composition, ordered a large number of model airplane glue and wrote bad poetry. Although I had not seen for several years, he emailed me regularly. His main contact with the outside world, however, was on the Internet where it is used pseudonyms dubious and sent up or satirized internet forums.

In a parenting forum of an anxious parent reported that, to his horror, he found his daughter 13yr smoking. Among the members helpful tips and answers, you have found Trailertrash asking her if she was spending time with cyclists or smoking in front of their children.

In a medical forum, Trousersnake, pitied those who suffer from loss of libido but described in some detail how the offending medication (Lyrica) was having quite the opposite effect him. He sound like bragging.

A ship bound for Africa missionary was imprisoned awaiting repairs in Newcastle, England. Eager to sail, the crew expressed their frustration through various blogs, the lack of progress by the shipyard. As T, rinity Woodie said the good people on the ship probably always be the only form of employment in that city, would never let leave. In these circumstances, should consider devoting his life to the conversion of the premises. His suggestion was not well received.

Visiting a sailing forum, Captain Bligh as an RN, who published a design for a self-direction, which looked very real, but it was complete nonsense. Several hundred members made the device and, oddly enough, some said it worked. A unfortunate sailor used it across the Pacific and was never heard from again.

By the way, if you are a member of the international forum PrayForMe, Sorry remove from its list of people who need your help. Like most of us can Woodie have worried about the stock market, but he was claimed to be a billionaire and did not require divine intervention in the choice of investments. Be generous, brothers and sisters, and find some space on their hearts to forgive him.

Should you happen across any of their suggestions to avoid fines or income tax violations, I would suggest to ignore them. At that time, some were quite promising, but all the lakes have already been closed.

Childhood

Although she was scared and not his mother, Woodie was very loyal to it. In fact, when he was taken to the hospital wing, who visited the prison every month. He once told me that as a child came into a talent contest and sang a sentimental song he had heard on the radio:

M is for the million things she gave me
O it's just aging
T is for the tears she shed to save me
H is for her heart of pure gold
I is for shining eyes always
R is right and she is always right
Put them together to spell MOTHER
A word that means everything to me.

While the audience, judges and his mother, laughing, Woodie was at the stage of confusion. Then, struggling to contain his amusement, a senior judge shouted:
Them together, they spell MOTHER.
A word that makes no sense to me!

The audience collapsed in convulsions and fled the stage Woodie tears. That was the end of his brief career in show business. When his mother told me this, she was laughing and said: "Shortly varmint should have had a arc. Could have won. "

Siblings? Yes, two older sisters. Like children, I think they liked him, but he had a rare form to prove it. They once told him he had a twin brother named Forrest. He was very excited and asked where was his twin brother. They offered to teach him. "Do I have to wear shoes?" He asked. "No," replied, "Come on bare feet." He followed them to the bottom of garden where he was shown a large mound of earth. "Forrest is buried down there," she whispered sadly, and then ran laughing the field of pig. I think it affected him badly.

Education

The world of education was not always kind to Woodie. On his first day, the teacher told the children that they were making a picture of something they liked. She handed him a paper and crayons and children with enthusiasm to the task. When finished, she told them to put their names on their drawings and hand them to mark them. Woodie, who had drawn a very good picture of Jet, his dog, anxiously waiting for the teacher studied the various works of art. Then he showed them individually to the class and it was clear that the quality of the artwork gradually improved as she worked through of the stack. Finally came the last draw so I had to be of Woodie. "Now look carefully, the children," he ordered. To the delight Woodie, She held the sketch of his beloved Syringe front of the class. Then, to his horror, that broke the image into several pieces. 'This is what happens when you do not put your name in their work. "

Some years ago I asked whether he had ever seen his father and he said he had met him only once. His pa had appeared on a motorcycle outside the school where they are reforming Woodie and asked permission to spend a couple of hours with your child. After a conference staff emergency, permission was granted and, with Woodie precariously in the back seat, they roared together in the desert. Later, leaning against a rock and enjoy relative joint long-lost stared at his son for a while and then offered some words of wisdom. "Listen," Kiddo said, "Every time you put nervous, take several deep breaths to calm down. It always works with me. Woodie thanked him for the fatherly advice, but thought I would have preferred a helmet. With sunset, ran to school. As the doors closed behind him, Woodie turned and watched his father disappear into the sunset in a cloud of smoke. That was the last I saw him. Woodie asked him what his father looked like. "I do not know," he replied, "He never took his glasses off.

Romance

Woodie was never very safe or comfortable with the girls. His mother once told me that any decent girl would be hard-pressed to find a romantic partnership with your child, but those were not his exact words. He did, however, have a Brazilian named person Lidjaine. He was learning English at the time and, after an exchange letters, he sent a lovely poem he had written.

A Lidjaine

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
With his long hair floating
and two identical eyes
I put my heart on fire.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I know that's not your fault
But one thing about you
It seems a bit crazy.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I think it's a shame
If your parents did not call you
On the other name.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
Oh, please can you explain
How do you pronounce
His clumsy looking name?

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine

She never answered that it was a shame because I got good grades in English. For years, held a photo of your fainting covered in his lair with the letter of Prince Charles (yes, living in London, England). More on that later.

Woodie never married and is probably the best. A few years ago Asked to Santa Claus at the staff Christmas party at the sewage farm, where he worked as an inspector of drains. With your fingers tattooed and hair disheveled, children approached him with some trepidation to collect the gifts. One of their cries of greeting was "Hello and when your mother gets out of jail?" For those who dared to answer that mother was not in jail, he shouted "That's great news! So they let her out in time for Christmas!" The next year hired a professional actor for this role.

Music

Despite his failure as a young singer, he never abandoned his dream Woodie to be a famous composer. From time to time, sent me the lyrics of the songs he had written and asked me to put a song for them. I got tired of this and continued sending the same melody, but Woodie was too busy writing new songs to notice.

I guess I should have written more than three hundred songs. The last thing I sent was titled Try, Try, Try Again. which seemed appropriate. He liked to write country music: Marriage is tomorrow, but tonight's moon Honey is!, she stole my heart, my hat and my horse, so I'll just lie sent here a number of known country singers, but its agents ignored him. Personally, I found it quite disturbing. Here's the chorus:

I see a man with my wife
I see a man living my life
I see a man with my girl
If I had a gun that had burst to Hell.
But I'll only find here only
I will be here on my own
I am here out of town
I'll be here - six feet below.

animal lovers have not seen the letter to bring your dog to the right. Only you need a verse to see why:

Oh, I love my dog to pieces
To really cure the sadness,
But every time I kick his ass I find
His disorder stuck in my shoe.

Inventions

Now it was a subject close to heart of Woodie, if not his brain. Some of his ideas ruined belief, but you can take in a day. For example, developed an air bag for use with a motorcycle (too late for that ride in the desert), and there was the car could be driven from the back seat. His other major contribution to road safety is a sharp peak steel anchored in the center of a wheel and pointing out the heart of the driver. Instead of lower risk, was the rocking chair to the side for use as a training medium to cure the sickness. Then there was the harmonica was played in a gust of wind. Another project involving homemade fireworks. With a recipe for the explosives found on the Internet, designed a hat to fire rockets and showed that on Halloween. Woodie Although he lost most of her hair, hat neighbors considered a success. He blamed the instructions confusing - parts of which were in Arabic. I also remember the baby bed cage that was something parents could use to protect their newborns in bed. If one or both parents became involved in junior, the bars of the cage were strong enough to withstand the weight of two obese adults. As I said before, was probably better than did the parent not the children.

The explosion was the only time Woodie diced with danger. He tripped on the castle or something forbidden, a forum for celebration the beauty of young models and actresses. The type of forum where kids post sad things like 'OMG I love her and want to marry her one day! Woodie added comments like, "Well, I just want to come to my studio and play with my train set. or" Hey, she is like my favorite niece, Jolene! '. When he told me about this, I hit the ceiling. I told you refrain from these things. You never know who is on these sites. The Internet is a dangerous place, even for the guys who own a train and mean what they say. Come to think of it, I do not remember a niece named Jolene.

Earlier I mentioned a letter from Prince Charles. In fact, letter was from the personal assistant to the prince, but had the right address on it and all the trimmings. Apparently, some years ago Prince Charles had an accident. Maybe he was playing polo or involved in some kind of horse game, but spent the night in a National Health Service hospital. This was a humble medical destination the wounded-to-be king, but was treated with great skill and the story was picked up by the international press. Woodie is the idea that this was a public institution provides very basic medical care for the poor, and some people in the UK would agree. He wrote a letter to Prince Charles expressed sympathy for the injury and suggesting that he took any health insurance from Blue Cross. The return mail thanked him for his concern and assured him that the Prince had fully recovered. Woodie was very proud of that letter. As discussed below, may have been his first, but not his last contact with royalty.

For someone who had probably never seen the sea, Woodie was interested enough in the ship and was happy when I sent her a picture SS romantic, a rust bucket in which I worked. One day, he took the photo from where he was trapped under his beloved Lidjaine and once scanned, started to mess around with photoshop. Altered the mast, extended into the funnel, portholes added some extras, dressed as the name and then placed in an international forum for fans of the ship. As Neptune, who asked forum members to help you identify and apply their knowledge and skills necessary for this task with great enthusiasm. The nationality of the ship has been the subject of much discussion and, according to experts, was variously owned by Norway, Israel, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia or Poland. One member was adamant that he could see a Star of David into the funnel, while another insisted that the pattern was caused by some radio masts. The two became very argumentative on this point and had to be restrained by a moderator. asked to describe where the photo was taken, Woodie said he had seen mystery ship in Antarctica. Excited by this news, experts embarked on another line of research, but one that only led to more arguments. At the moment the subject had clocked up 2,500 visitors, Woodie decided to drop anchor. He returned to his original position and replaces the false with the true picture. The arguments rolling in a few days and then someone new to the subject wondered what the fuss was about. In his opinion, was perfectly obvious to any fool that the ship was the romantic SS, the name was clearly painted on the bow. Some of the experts freestyle were furious and demanded the immediate expulsion of Neptune. One member was angry particularly aggrieved because he had paid a lab to work on the picture to reveal the name of the ship. After crossing the Australian desert to do so, his car had broken down and went walking for a couple of days before being rescued.

After that, tried Woodie disseminate an urban myth when the government blocked publication a report comparing the personalities of criminals and police. In a study of many different characteristics, no significant differences between the two populations were discovered. Can you imagine that anyone would believe such a thing? As Yobbocop, joined a police forums, but kept sending recipes donut. I asked him what he had against the cops, but only replied: "I've never met one who did not want to leave."

As Trailerskunk, He soon tired of asking the sites where I could get some suppositories junkie pot, 'I need a bullet in the form of preparation where I can The sun does not shine and the police will not be. "Some of his irritation, he discovered that this type of product and indeed, there came highly recommended, which took the wind of his sails. Later, when IllegalAlien, UFO sightings filed with the National Reporting Center. "Driving north on I-440 observed in the night sky a cigar-shaped object with a long row of windows and flashing lights down to earth. The helicopter landed in a field east of Little Rock. Nobody seemed to realize that this event occurs about 150 times a day in Little Rock, but he was beginning to lose interest. Then the scammers Nigerians entered into your computer and must have lived to regret it.

As most people who use the Internet, Woodie had its fair share of fraud e-mails, particularly those that appear in the inbox and say things like:

My dear friend
What is with the heart of hope to me am writing to seek his help in the context below. Munga Genz I, the first son of the late MKO Munga, a political philanthropist and winner of the alleged June 12, 1993 presidential election who died in the custody of Inje Obanithe Gen former military president of the Democratic Republic of Nigeria. I know you will be amazed at how I got your contact but it was after a careful search in my files I saw your late father contact, I have no doubt of his willingness to assist me in receiving custody (Safety) the sum of Forty Eight Million, five hundred thousand United States dollars (U.S. $ 48.5M) behind and deposited on my behalf by my late father. ......... And so on.

There were several ways to deal with these requests. One was to create an email address that included the name of the sender. Thus, in the example above, would become genzamunga@whatever.com and berate the court for stealing both his name and scam. He threatened to send the mafia heavy "I know that you are hiding." At other times, however, he would agree to collect the cash dollars or personal family jewels and bring the rate of release $ 1,000 in cash.

A spin-off of these scam emails was that increased their geographical knowledge of the world, considerably without leaving the trailer. He became very knowledgeable about the countries of Africa, Holland, and the streets of Amsterdam in particular. Often took the trouble to investigate the cost and flight from New York to Amsterdam. Naturally, he would expect a driver and car to meet him at the airport and the driver had to hold a card large syringe with the word. Jet, of course, had long since died. Woodie but had never forgotten her real friends only. At its meeting of swindlers, usually select the quotation which he describes as follows:

Go to the bar Amnesia on Herengracht. The music is not the pits, but the coffee is good and other customers are too busy enjoying the smoke to notice us. I will be an empty violin case can be thrown into a nearby canal, if we have go somewhere more than talk business. See you at the table next to the entrance to the bathroom.

He said that sometimes he managed to arrange meetings with various different scammers while and sat in his trailer imagining all making their way through the smoke to sit at the same table at the entrance to the bathroom. I knew he had got involved with this type of nonsense, because he had begun inserting certain phrases in e-mails that sent me phrases he had learned of his new friends, such as:

To thank you and God bless you please extend my regards to all his family.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Anyway, my friend.

Then came the fateful day when the queen came Woodie Shonekan cyberspace. It was the usual type scam with the promise of 30% of nine million dollars deposited by her late father (the first country's interim president) in a bank in South Africa. At first playing all the usual tricks of lost time and was greeted by picturesque spelling, for example, massage instead of the message. 'O Queen, how I hope the next massage. "With the help of a schedule of the airways, he found a flight that sounded plausible: SAA235 to Johannesburg, September 06 reached 7.25 am local time. He apologized for his early arrival - deliberately scheduled for mid-busiest rush hour in Africa. Somewhat to his surprise, the queen reserved Shonekan a room at the Road Lodge Hotel not far from the airport and given a reservation number. Out of curiosity, Woodie check the reservation and found it to be genuine. But of course, he was still back home in his trailer when its driver and his assistant appeared at the airport to receive him. Shonekan Queen began to panic:

I am writing to ask what is actually happening. You did not come. Even sent me a massage in your case. Please reply to alleviate my mind. I'm waiting at the Road Lodge Hotel and I am very worried. Please do not destroy my life and future.

A massage after the message I'm sorry, informed Woodie driver and his assistant had been arrested at the airport and that she was in serious trouble. It was here that he began to feel guilty Woodie. His excuse for miss the flight was a lame, but the queen was swallowed. Then mail your ideas on how I could escape the building and avoid being captured by the South African police. Finally, received the good news that he had taken up his suggestion of hiding in a dumpster, so it means that there been transported, free of charge, to an industrial point not far from the center of the city. After that, they began to exchange messages, and even the occasional photo. Without Clearly, the queen Shonekan was an attractive woman and her picture soon replaced by that of Lidjaine on the wall of his den.

When Woodie told me all this, he urged be cautious for Queen Shonekan may not be a real woman monarch. In fact, it could become a six-man weighing 180 pounds foot, which eventually worked as a bodyguard when he was not sitting in an internet cafe. But it was useless and he was hooked up to your emails suddenly stopped, spoke of nothing but African Queen. Even wrote to his mother and asked her to make him see it, but the response I received was a shock. Woodie had disappeared mobile home park and no one knew of his whereabouts. I could not believe he had gone to South Africa to be with the Queen Shonekan, although there was always a possibility that he had. It was a complete mystery.

So the months passed and there was not a word of Woodie. Then, while visiting friends in the U.S., I happened to pass the trailer park where he lived and went in. An old man sitting on a bench in the sun, said Woodie trailer, now occupied by another family. I asked if he remembered my cousin. "Remember him? He replied:" I will never forget. Sure as hell, that guy was wired to the moon. Most people here avoided him, but he does not scare me. About a year ago, only for one night and never returned. There was a lady Africa with him. Fine looking woman too. I do not know what was in it, but it takes all kinds. "

We sat there sharing a beer and watching the people go to work in the park. "You're not the only person who has been here in search of him," he continued. I asked him what other visitor it seemed. "There is a visitor," I replied, "A whole damn bunch of them. Police cars all over the place, the special agents in trees, loud hailers in the weapons list. I was afraid of my mind! We had guys narcotics squad, the IRS, the agency for child protection, the immigration service. Whatever, they were there. In fact, before they discovered he had left, they argued over who should be starting. You know Woodie you had a little train set? Then they searched his trailer, some of them sat outside playing with him. The others were going through a pile magazine and it took a long time. I guess there was something hidden there. The two guys from the IRS keeps sniffing some cans. I'll never know what that guy was doing, but they were not legal. "

As they left the trailer park in the afternoon, I felt a warm inner glow. Cruise down the road, I turned to a song by Bob Dylan, who was a favorite of Woodie:

"The ants are my friends, is blowing in the wind
The ants are blowing in the wind. '

Woodie, if you read this, I want you and also African Queen. Having a long life happy together. No need to send me another email. In fact, I would be happy if you never touch another computer or surf the internet again.

About the Author

Tony Crowley  March 2009  See wiki

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